The Road to Despair is Paved with Good Intentions

Someone told me that they feel like they are dying when they have a conflict with another person. I never realized other people felt that way. I thought I was a crazy weirdo who was overreacting, but no. Someone very close to me told me they feel that way too. How many of us feel this way but try to play it off or don't know how to express it?

For me, the feeling is so intense. It's like every nerve ending is on high alert, ready for anything. I typically end up fawning first to get the person to not be mad at me, even if I think they are the ones who were wrong, and like me again — which gives them an opening to really go for the jugular. That makes me realize I wasn't ready for anything, which makes me more hypervigilant and unable to trust anyone. Then there's the soul-crushing despair and crying episodes that usually lead to isolating and writing things like this. It feels like all of the organs in my body are slowly being crushed into dust.

It's nice to know I'm not alone. Not so much nice that it happens to anyone at all.

Yesterday I was hit multiple times in my weakest spots — metaphorically, of course. The things I believe about myself that are negative — that people who love me say aren’t true. This person showed me these insecurities I have are reality in her eyes. And what hurts the most is this is a friend I have trusted for two years. A friend who I have shared deep feelings with. A friend who I have supported. A friend who I thought supported me. A friend who I thought understood me.

I don't know how I'm wrong about friends so often. I have befriended so many people who have no problem stabbing me in the back. But at the same time, I have this weird 6th sense about what other people's friends and spouses will be like. I'm right about 95% of the time. They usually stab these people in the back later, but they didn't listen to me early in it. With my history with friendships, I wouldn't listen to me either.

Honestly, I think the biggest issue is I just expect everyone to be highly empathetic and loyal, like I try to be. Not everyone is like that. Like the diner owner in Muppets Take Manhattan said, "Peoples are peoples." His nonsense makes sense now.

For a while, I have to pull back from any chance of conflict, so I deleted Facebook and I'm being careful with everything else online. I need to recover emotionally so I can recover physically. I need to find a sense of peace, and when I'm ready, I'll find a sense of purpose to open myself up to potential new friends again.

The important thing to remember is I'm not a crazy person. I am not too much. I am not unreliable. I am not at the mercy of others' affections. I am not someone who takes and doesn't give. I am not the enemy.

Also, I am lovable as I am. I am strong. I am giving. I am a good friend. I give all of myself to people I love. I matter. 

I will never grovel for my emotional needs to be met again by people who have no intention of caring about me. It's not wrong to expect my friends to be loyal and empathetic people. It's not wrong to want to be loved wholly.  I do not expect too much.  

The people who have crossed my path haven't given enough. I will no longer settle for crumbs.