Things I'll Probably Never Fully Move On From

I have an issue with complicated grief. I can never get to acceptance.  Here are things I can probably never get over realistically based on history and treatment:

Whatever it is I can't remember that caused my first seizure as a baby and a life of having a tremor.

Being bullied by my peers at school 

Being bullied by my parents at home 

Being bullied by my extended family when my mother was around. 

Being told by my best friend in 5th grade that I was annoying and not knowing what it meant. 

Being told by my first huge crush that I was ignorant and not knowing what it meant. 

My mother being best friends with the mom of my biggest peer bully so I always had to go over to their house and I didn't learn true friendship until 10th grade

My mother asking me if she should divorce my stepfather when I was 8.

How much I begged my mom not to make me go to the Sadie Hawkins father daughter dance alone with my stepfather because I was terrified and she doesn't even remember it happening. 

How freaked out I was when I snapped at the Flea Market and realized we hadn't been home in months and it wasn't normal and no one was telling me anything. 

How I was given a cell phone and told I had to go to visitation with my stepfather with my half -sister to protect her.  

When I was told that if my stepfather showed up at the house to call 911.

When I was told that if the neighbor's ex who was building bombs nextdoor shows up at the house, to call 911.

The screaming matches I had with my stepfather daily.

My mother telling me that I wouldn't like her anymore when I was turning 13 and magically she was right because I guess that was the date I was chosen to be the scapegoated kid. 

My mother pushing me so far with accusations that I would break down and fall to the floor because I couldn't handle it.

My abusive ex boyfriend turning everyone in my 9th grade high school from me. 

Being grounded through most of my teen years.

My mother being a complete bitch to my first love constantly and when he broke up with me 7 months later she told me to go away and let her sleep when I needed comfort and was crying. 

My break up with my first love.

When my first love started dating my abusive ex's new ex who was an asshole to me, and told me I was dead to him.  

The way people I love now treated me when we were kids despite decades of proof that they grew up and love me 

My friendship breakup with my best friend my first year of college.

How much dream college didn't work out and I didn't finish there. 

How I was manipulated not to get engaged when I wanted to so I was scared of what my family would think when I eventually got engaged 2 years later.

How much people meddled into my wedding and I listened and changed a bunch of stuff that was important to me.

Putting a rabbit to sleep for the first time. And second. And third. And the fourth dying in surgery. 

How I was the only one who saw my wedding dress before walking down the aisle. 

How my sister couldn't even be bothered to help me fit her in a bridesmaid dress as my maid of honor.

How no one planned a bachelorette party for me.

How I was bullied at work and the combination of that and wedding planning put me into a manic episode.

How the manic episode made me decide to move to New York City with basically no plan.

How I felt during my first, second, and third admissions to psychiatric hospitals.

Having to stop working.

Dealing with slumlords.

Finding something I love doing and then having to close it down just when it was taking off because of illness.  

My Poppop dying and literally everything changed. 

How there was nothing for me to eat at my aunt's house after my Poppops funeral and when I finally stopped crying I wanted to go to the store and everyone I asked to go with me didn't want to do I had to walk through the aisles crying hysterically just to have food. 

My husband getting illegally fired when he took FMLA to take care of me.

My mother having me be referee when my second step father moved out.  

My mother only allowing me to move in with her when I was about to be homeless because her husband left her and she couldn't afford the bills on her own. 

The amount of triangulation with my sister so we never had a chance at a relationship. 

Having to break up with another best friend because he chose an abusive marriage where his wife would say the most disgusting things about my husband and I over our friendship. 

How he called me a month after and asked us to come to his wedding because he didn't have enough people on his side. So, as fillers...

How I had to take a break from school three times and how hard it always was to go back. 

How surprised I was when my aunt told me my mother told her she paid for my tuition when she didn't pay a dime and how she got married anyway when she knew it was going to take away my financial aid. 

More later...