Trust

I was raised in a way where I was never trusted.

So, I never learned to trust myself. 

I was raised in a world surrounded by people with ulterior motives.

So, I never learned how to trust others.

I developed gut instincts about what people are bad people. 

So, I try to protect others who try to bring them into their lives. 

My grandfather taught me to always be aware of my surroundings to stay safe but my illness now makes that impossible.

So, I am always terrified about what might be coming. 

I never learned how to trust my own decision-making.

So, I completely fall apart when faced with a decision. 

I was raised around people who could not regulate their emotions. 

So, I never learned how to regulate my emotions. 

I was always taught to trust experts in their field. 

So I feel like a disobedient child when I do not feel their advice suits me. 

My mother taught me that my room being cluttered meant no one would break in because they would think someone already had. 

So, I keep my home cluttered. 

I was never able to truly protect my sister like I was told to.

So, now I try to fix every bad situation for everyone.

The only time I was successful at protecting my sister as a child was when I was controlling the situation.

So, now I try to control everyone to protect them. 

My mother taught me that all women are in some unspoken competition when I was 12.

So, I now get paranoid that new women in my life are untrustworthy. 

I learned that when my wellbeing was threatened when I was young, to scream and yell.

So, now I am an activist who immediately runs to reporting people rather than giving them a chance.

I learned that illnesses do not really exist when I was a child. 

So, when I started having symptoms of chronic illness I chose not to believe it until it was too late. 

I learned that asking for help was a sign of weakness.

So, I feel immense shame every time I accept help people offer to me. 

I learned I was not worthy of validation. 

So, I do not validate myself. 

I was always taught not to interrupt but my illness is breaking my brain. 

So, when I do interrupt I feel so much guilt. 

I was told every time I had big feelings that I was being dramatic. 

So, I try to keep big feelings to myself around certain people. 

(The internet doesn't count). 

I was told that everyone would think I was a pain in the ass. 

So, now I constantly feel like I'm being a pain in the ass. 

Except for times when I am feeling really brave.