shattered dreams

I always have nightmares, like literally every night, but last night's nightmare hit me pretty hard. It's happening more often where I'm sick in my dreams and not just my reality. 

I am very educational oriented and I wanted to be in school for the rest of my life. Right before I got extremely severe, like couldn't get out of bed level, I got a Master's degree and a slew of other certifications with honors and I was so excited to apply for a PhD program or another Masters program. But I've been too sick to do that and my cognitive function sucks. 

So, last night I dreamt that I was like finals away from finishing my master's degree but my grades were so low I knew it wasn't enough to graduate. I was so sick in the dream, like in reality, and I couldn't get it together to finish. And in the dream, I had to come to the conclusion that I wasn't going to be able to apply to a PhD program nor would I be able to finish my masters. 

Luckily, I did finish my masters but there is a PhD program very close to me that's all virtual that would be perfect for me and I really want to do it but there's no way with my low baseline and I don't have a lot of hope that baseline is going to get any better at this point. The program is only one class per semester for the part-time program but I don't want to like figure out how to get scholarships and stuff and then screw it up by being too sick to be successful. It's kind of killing me honestly. 

Maybe I should just take classes at the community college or something for art or something more fun. It would be a lot cheaper and it would help with my current business. I just really hate not being able to do what I feel like I've wanted to do forever. 

This is the dream stolen that hits me the hardest.