Icky Art

I painted this last week. My husband and I wanted to create together. He chose to color and I chose to paint. At first things were calm, like they always are when we create together. Then something took me over. It's like I fell into some kind of vortex.  And it was definitely not amazing.  (Only millennial UCF students understand that little joke).  Anyway, it brought up a lot of bad feelings and as it did, I tried to cover up the bad with happier brighter colors. The problem is that I used some colors I associate with negativity and I also use some colors I associate with empowerment. But I didn't feel empowered when I was creating it. I felt like I was spiraling. My therapist thinks I had a flashback. When I look at the painting I don't remember what I was thinking when I was painting it. I remember feeling anxious and scared and uneasy. When I look at it I get this icky feeling. But I have no idea what the memory is. It was stored away as soon as the painting was finished. 

On one hand I want to know what the memory was but on another, my brain is probably trying to protect me for a reason. I'm usually not one to shy away from traumatic events but for some reason there's something in there I can't quite grasp. It's scary and I don't really want to grasp it at this point. There's enough pain already. I can't take on something that my brain is literally trying to protect me from.