My Body is Unrecognizable

Before I got sick 

I was very thin 

My breasts were small

And so was my stomach 

As time went on 

I started gaining weight 

I tried to embrace my new body 

It was all going to my breasts 

For the most part anyway 

Now, it's showing in my stomach 

And it's showing in my face 

New stretch marks appear

Every single day 

I can't shave anymore 

My legs have been hairy 

For a couple years now 

Taking showers is really difficult 

I can only do it once a week 

There's often crust on my face 

From sleep 

My face also 

Often has a tint of yellow 

And my lips

Often have a tint of blue

I have an autoimmune disease 

That is quickly 

Fusing and bruising 

Parts of my body 

I'd rather not talk about

I don't wear a bra anymore 

Unless I need to avoid boob sweat 

I can't wear jeans anymore 

It's so uncomfortable 

My nails are brittle 

And always kind of dirty 

They grow too long a

And then they snap 

And what you don't see 

Is most unsettling of all 

It's the widespread chronic pain 

That never goes away 

It's the exhaustion and fatigue 

I feel every moment of every day 

It's the memory loss 

That embarrasses me 

Time and time again 

It's the draining cognitive function

That makes me hit into walls 

Or slur my speech 

It's the panic attacks 

That are coming out of nowhere 

And nothing can suppress 

And it's the trauma 

That never seems 

To want to let me go

It's the loss of dreams 

That I will never accomplish 

Because there is no treatment 

There is no cure

It's the depression 

I'm drowning in 

As I lay in bed 

Terrified and so lonely

I try to embrace my body 

As it is now 

But I hate it so much 

Especially 

The parts you will never see