I hate this disease

I reread the email I got from loudmouth Books last night about the John Green talk That was yesterday that I was supposed to go to. Apparently I read the email wrong because I was supposed to let them know a few days before that I would need a link to the video. 

I didn't realize that they said that nor did I realize that it was supposed to be a live stream type thing and I didn't find out till late last night and now it's 5:30 in the morning and I'm freaking out wondering if I'm going to get to see the talk at all. I don't know if they filmed the whole thing or anything like that. 

I think they have another talk today so I asked if I could join that live but I don't know if they will let me because I know they're really busy getting ready and everything and I'm just really freaking out. 

I also scrolled through photos of people who got to Go yesterday and how happy they were and everything and I just feel like so depressed. I'm Missing out on every part of life. This was supposed to be my birthday present to myself and I couldn't even go Because my stress has put me into a really bad flare and It was raining yesterday and there was a line so I wouldn't have been able to bring my electric wheelchair and my elevator is broken so I wouldn't have been able to get downstairs and back up. I freaking hate this. 

 I just want to do something fun once In a while. I don't know why that's too much to ask. I want to be able to use my elevator to go out of my apartment complex. That's not a big ask either. It's just really messed up. 

I hate this disease and what it is doing to my brain. I'm so upset and depressed and anxious and I can't deal.