5/15/24 journal venting

I had a really emotional past month and had a lot of instances where I exerted myself too much emotionally and mentally and now my baseline is worse than ever. 

It's really hard to walk even with the rollator. Everything freaking hurts so bad. I'm so fatigued but also wired in a way. And I'm in a place of like derealization that I feel like kind of detached from my body and I just watch the world around me keep moving but I'm not really experiencing it, like even in my own world. 

Like, I was seeing my psychiatrist yesterday and I was telling her like all of this like trauma stuff that happened last year and she was like how did you feel telling me all that and I was like I felt nothing. I literally feel like dead inside. I get little burst of intense emotion here and there and then I write a poem or something and then go on with my day that I'm not processing. 

I feel like my brain isn't really working right. There is a lot of times in the call yesterday that I went to try to talk and nothing came out. It's getting really freaking scary and I'm getting frantic at points that I'm not completely fatigued to try to find the right kind of therapy because obviously what I'm doing isn't working and I've been in therapy since I was like 8.

 I like my therapist a lot but I need something else. Some kind of miracle therapy that probably doesn't exist. I know we talked about some of it in the creativity group yesterday and doing somatic. There's no somatic therapists that take Medicaid here and I'm going to have to resort to YouTube or something. I just need the motivation.

 I'm just this exhausted blob of a person who doesn't know what's going on around her most of the time and still has anxiety even without feeling the grief emotions I should be feeling. 

I seriously like listed all of the trauma stuff like I was listing names of actors or something. There is no emotion at all. That freaks me the hell out. I don't want to lose the part of myself that feels deeply. 

And I haven't been able to read or watch TV. Concentrating is super hard. I have really bad sound sensitivity. I keep coughing every time I do anything. 

I'm not getting enough sleep because I can't stay asleep and I have trouble falling asleep and then when it's time to nap I don't want to because I feel like I'll miss out on life but what life really is there? I'm literally just doing nothing at all constantly. 

I am extremely emotionally enmeshed with my husband and he's been feeling bad so I feel bad and it's rough. Emotional exertion makes me worse than any other kind of exertion but I can't separate myself from him because he's my caregiver and because I don't want to because I'm emotionally dependent on him. I need him around me. 

He's taking a shower right now and planning on running errands and I am freaking out inside about it. I don't think he'll be gone more than an hour but I'm still freaking out. 

I don't really know what to do with myself anymore. I have my appointment with my new me doctor tomorrow. I guess that's something to look forward to. 

I'm really scared.

 It's weird to be so anxious and scared and also feel like so dead emotionally at the same time. It's like a contradiction but it's real so I don't really know how I explain it any differently.

 Thank you for listening. I'm not really looking for feedback. I just really wanted to vent. Thank you for giving me that space.