What Even Is A Father?

At 2 years old,

I was told that my mother's new husband was my father.

I don't have many memories from then.

When I was 5,

my mother told me that

My biological father

Abandoned me

So my new father 

Would adopt me.

I remember I hated him. 

He was so mean.

Made me feel so small.

Is this what a father is?

When I was 15,

My mother started dating a really great man

Her and my adoptive father 

Split when I was 11.

This new man was 

Kind, gentle, understanding 

He would go above and beyond for all of us.

My mother left him for another man after I started college.  

I was heartbroken.

He promised to stay in my life 

But never kept his promise 

The next man became my second stepfather very quickly 

I was out of the house 

But I was still expected to see him as a father figure and his daughter as a sister

It was an impossible situation 

And no matter how nice and understanding he seemed

He creeped me out.

When I was 19,

I met my biological father.

He was desperate to be in my life

Until I wasn't what he imagined 

Then he didn't want me all over again.

When I was 24, 

I got married and gained a father in law. 

Though, I never expected much from that relationship.

I was blamed for decisions my husband made alone 

And my inlaws villianized me 

He banned me from their home. 

When I was 29, 

My second stepfather left my mother.

Just a note on the table.

We learned he was a con man

Now, I check my credit constantly

My mother encouraged me to let him have my information 

To fill out tax return information for student financial services.

I had to rely on that information to get through school...

My grandfather passed away when I was 29.  

I've been abandoned by so many men but never him.

He was my true father.

I look back fondly at all of our memories together.

He taught me so much.

Kept his promises.

Kept me safe.

Loved me without condition.

That is what a real father does. 

I miss him every day

Even though I know he's still looking out for me 

I wish I had more people in my life like my grandfather.  

I feel like the emptiness inside

Would be much smaller

That the doubt I feel in relationships 

Would be nonexistent 

That I would feel 

Worthy 

Wanted 

Loved.